A few minutes ago, I was looking at some photos from our school’s Christmas Party. Several of the photos showed my classmates hanging out in someone’s place. At a moment, I stopped and heard my classmate’s voice in my head. She once said that whenever they would hang out in some place, I always have an excuse not to go. Well, I always have. Honestly. A few times these excuses are really something that I have to do. But most of them is just to get away from that sort of invitations.
I tried to decipher myself. Why wouldn’t I want to hang out with these people? I like
most of these people! Why can’t I just live like any other teenagers? I got the answer, somehow.
Growing up, I literally didn’t have a lot of friends. I had a few friends. But only one of them stayed. One time in Sixth Grade, when I thought everything was just perfect because I made a lot of friends, I lost their trust. I don’t want to dwell on it here. Trust. I didn’t trust or believe that people would always be there for me. Even my family (which can be connected to the posts How Could I Tell Them? and I Could Have Told Them). I related all these stories to that one friend who stayed. She told me that I keep on hurting because I always tried to please everyone (not literally everyone). You see, we always try to please everyone that we adore. But we should know that when we please these people, the love is conditional. That is why God is the only one we need to please for His love is unconditional.
I always fear of displeasing this people. I fear sadness of feeling left out. I fear the loudness that drowns the peace. Hence, I don’t like hanging out with people. I never felt I truly belonged with them. Like on December 18, 2012 – that was five nights ago. This was one of those nights I just wanted to die and get away from everything. It didn’t feel right. That night. It felt like I had to be somewhere else. I wanted to be somewhere but not just anywhere. I was reminded that this isn’t where I belong. I held back those tears that was building in my eyes while I stared at the starry sky.
So far, these are the answers I’ve got from myself.