You hang out with them. You like to always be with them because they talk a lot. They talk about a lot of stuff. They make you laugh. The conversations with them make you happy for a while. But why do you still feel like they are not your friends? That they want you out. That they will never be.
You laugh along with them. You let them do all the talking because if you do, the most probable thing that will happen is you’ll get ignored. They won’t listen to whatever it is that you have to share. When you share something and sometimes when it’s something out of the blue, just about yourself just like what they usually say, they give you a disdainful look as if they don’t want to hear anything like that. But how dare they act like that? When they talk about stuff like that and they expect you to praise them. They think you’re lame or you only say a lot of stupid stuff that doesn’t mean anything to them with those stares and expressions. But even those stuff they’re muttering about doesn’t mean to you, and yet, here you are, listening to them. However, they tell you they like you. So what is it then? Do they say these words because they need something from you? That something may not be an object. Maybe they need someone’s presence around while they talk about themselves. They may be lonely. Do they say they like you because they really do but they’re just taking you for granted? It’s very complicated.
But you look back at everyone around you. There are a very few people around you who’d be more worth the time than these fools who do nothing but talk about other people, and talk about the people they like-like. But these very few people, you have taken for granted. They could probably be the people you’d cherish more. But on the dark side, maybe not. Now, you think about it. You tell yourself you should stop looking for them, yearning to be in their presence, to talk to them. You have done it. Maybe. But you know, in the back of your mind, you still want to be hanging out with them. Why is it so? Because you are looking for solidarity. A permanent one. But you can’t find it. It’s like searching for heaven but you know it’s a long way to get there. Maybe it is heaven you are yearning for. So you settle yourself for something temporary. Very temporary. Even when it hurts, because you long for that “something”. Everyone does.
You think you’ve found the people you’re going to cherish forever. The classmates and friends you believe, in the back of your mind, you love and care so much. Maybe you do.