Weary And Restless

I’ve been weary and restless the past few days. There’s just a lot of things in my mind. This mild, yet, constant headaches aren’t helping either. I’ve been trying to get myself to start writing stories again but I don’t feel like doing so. I don’t feel like doing anything at all. I’ve been trying to get myself to finish Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History Of Time but after a few pages, I get sleepy. It’s not because I don’t understand the book, because if I didn’t why would I have asked my sister to buy it for me.

The thing is I’ve been having this feeling that I want classes to start again. College has been on my mind lately. I’m both worried and excited for this new journey. I’m naturally excited because, for the first time in my life I am admitting this, I want to experience something new. I’m also worried because I have a few elementary classmates who will also be studying in the same university as I am. I am worried that past events will return. I’m not quite keen seeing two or three of them because I wasn’t exactly good friends with them. We had issues. It just troubles me.

Despite that I’ve been really getting all this fired up desires in me that I want to be better. To be better at everything that I have already been doing, at everything that I have to do, at everything that I will do, and at everything that I am. My previous reasons of doing better like proving my family that I’m better than they think I already am or my desire to transfer to the other campus are somehow not my reasons anymore. Well, the campus things is necessary. The first one is kind of not.

I just feel the need to be better and to do better. I’ve settled for mediocre, and I know I can surpass that. I know I can do better. I’m not just trying hard enough. I guess I was just afraid to admit it the whole time. I haven’t tried my very best because if I did I wouldn’t feel this weariness and restlessness. I, myself, is the reason why sometimes I feel bad about myself. I need to step up my game. It isn’t a competition against others. That’s what I have to remind myself. It’s a challenge for me to be a better person. Yeah, I like that. I would like that to happen. So now, I’m preparing myself for the storm that is coming to knock me down.


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