Of This Essay And Ideas

I find this essay I wrote weird. I hope my professor doesn’t mind I wrote an essay about this essay. This is for my final examination for the first semester of my first year in college.

This may seem a strange question to ask but why do I write this essay? Clearly, I know the answer to that. But the more I find difficulty in beginning this essay, the more I question myself whether or not I should write this essay. Of course, the consequence would be a failing grade. One failing grade would lead me to a chain of depression and frustration. I certainly don’t want that to happen. Or I could entertain that question again and just swallow that failing grade I may get. But I’ve been trying to figure out a good topic for the past several days. There were a few ideas that came into mind to help me in this crisis but I encountered problems with each.

The first topic that came into mind was about grades and how important they are. Teachers and parents would tell me and classmates that grades are important. They are a crucial factor in getting a proper job. They tell if your employer sees you had a few failing or low grades, he/she will have doubts or second thoughts in hiring you. It’s as if the society should revolve around getting high marks on quizzes and exams. Now, I would have written an essay about that. I, then, tried to set points to support the topic but I only came up with two. Both points are not good enough. Two points are not enough to make a good (or even great!) essay.

The pain and idea of being left behind even when one’s friends are visibly present was my second idea of a topic. It turned out to be difficult for me to write. I was excited and enthusiastic to start an essay about it. After staring at the initial blank page of this Word Document, the excitement of writing about the second topic was lost. It didn’t make any sense in my head anymore. The idea didn’t feel like it was in the right place. The struggle tells me the universe conspired for me not to dwell on those emotions yet as I have few final exams to tackle. I realized that the idea was my way of translating some bitterness and frustrations I’ve been feeling prior. I can’t afford being all emotionally battered. I have concluded that my emotions may wreck this essay.

After so much time that passed, I thought of just taking some of those real life stories I wrote on my blog some time ago.             But I browsed through my blog and saw that I have 161 blog posts. I could have read through more than a hundred posts, and decide on one topic I could rewrite. Problem solved then. If that didn’t happen, I would have written an essay that is as informal and casual as everything else that I have written on my blog. No formats to be followed. No rating to be worried about. The problem, however, is with time. With the finals going on this week, time isn’t a luxury to me. Another problem I had with this idea is that I feel like I’m cheating myself. I would be depriving myself from enhancing and developing my writing skills, especially being an amateur writer and an aspiring professional writer that I am.

This is where I end with, writing an essay about this essay. Obviously, this is something I wrote in desperation, of submitting something and getting a grade (at least, not a zero). This is indeed strange but different, and maybe unique? At the end of this troublesome little journey, I learned that in coming up with this essay the problem that appeared itself should not be evaded and overlooked. Instead, I used them to my advantage. It turns out that my problems in starting this essay became my essay.


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