Something’s Missing

I’ve made it pretty clear, perhaps, that I have been feeling lost like a floating directionless soul. I’m missing something. I think it’s that joy of living I used to have. Back then I was so scared of dying because of all the dreams that I had once set up for myself. But now, I don’t even flinch at the thought of death. I don’t even care if the next time I crossed the national highway I get hit by some truck. Everything feels pointless. I have tried once to think about those old dreams and the newer ones I came up with. I thought about that dream of becoming a taxonomy researcher, exploring the world to discover new species of animals (or plants). It fueled my desire to live for a minute but I lost it again. The world is so fucked up with all these wars and struggles going on. My school and my professors make me feel like shit because I’m not living up to their academic expectations of me. But I’m so fucking messed up these days. Before I would gladly study days before the exam. Now, I won’t study until 12 hours before the exam. I’m. Just. So. Messed. Up. I guess, college is making me feel pressured to quickly decide on things in my life. But things have changed and I’m not so sure where I’m going or if I’m going somewhere at all. Why does everything feel like they are in the fast lane? Why can’t the world just stop? Why can’t I just… die?


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