I think I feel better. Better about myself and about life. Lately, I haven’t felt empty. To be honest, I get the occasional existential bummer from time to time but it doesn’t last long and just goes off of my mind. It isn’t usually like that. I can say that I’m way better now than I was a few months ago. I feel like I’ve been a lot more productive. I even accomplished a lot of academic-related stuff this week which only happened very few times during last semester. I can feel (yet I am hoping) that weeks like this will continue in the future, and not just for the rest of the semester.
I think that all of this is due to the fact I may have set a new goal in life. Although I still feel the lack of sense of purpose (for which causes the occasional existential crisis), I kind of have new goal for this lifetime. As a child, I have always wanted to become a doctor. But as I grew up, I found that dream fading because it didn’t feel like it was my present me’s dream. It was an 8-year old me dreaming to become a doctor. Now, I want to study immunology or microbiology for my postgraduate and become a researcher specializing in that field. To be honest, I don’t have a concrete plan on how to achieve that goal yet. But I’ll be working on it. I feel like that it’s fine not to have a complete plan yet since I’m still in the process of sorting myself out.
As you may have noticed, my tone is kind of uncertain. This write-up so far has been full of “I think”, “maybe”, and “kind of”s. That’s because I’m not quite sure how I’m feeling. I just feel sort of better. On a negative perspective, what I’m feeling right now may just be an illusion and that I am just fooling myself into believing that I’m actually getting better because I’m desperate for help. But I’m working on it. I’m trying to sort myself out.