Depressed


I am depressed. I don’t know why I feel this way. My mind goes through a million thoughts a day. Depression comes on those days. I think about life and our existence. This is existential crisis. I come to realize that one day all of this will be gone. All of this, whatever this whole life is, will be nothing. Sometimes, I wonder why we all live, what purpose does this all have. Some days I feel empty. Too empty like a void that it’s too painful. When this happens, I think about death. I don’t feel like living anymore. Every day seems to be the same so recently I have been having mad thoughts. A really dark part of me wishes that chaos will begin, that countries will engage on war against each other. I want to see suffering. This makes me sad when these thoughts creep all over me. I am depressed because sometimes I feel unworthy of living. I am always anxious about living. How am I going to do this? How am I going to do that? Sometimes I feel unloved like the world does not even need me, that I am better off dead. It doesn’t help when I get scrutinized for my appearance and for the way I act. It doesn’t help when teachers and classmates always expect the best from me. So when I fail, even when I just make a small mistake, I feel burdened. It doesn’t help that people will say, “It’s all just in my head”. Because it’s like people are telling me that I’m just making things up. But I’m not making things up. A lot more thoughts come to my mind and sometimes I can’t handle all this thinking anymore. It feels like my head is going to explode. Like that song that says, “My mind is on the brink of going supernova”. It feels just like that. So on those days, I just cry because I don’t know what to do. I just want my mind to stop. Sometimes, I even want to hurt myself. But depression, my demon, along with anxiety, its companion, keeps coming back to haunt me.

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