You may be wondering why I’m writing to you again. Well, there are things that are difficult to say even to friends. Well, it’s not really that difficult. But it’s more like how I’m going to say these things.
We’re getting worse, aren’t we? How many lectures and classes have I missed because we can’t get out of bed? When I feel agitated and tired during class, I can’t help but feel like punching the wall. My 7 am class is difficult to turn up to because I feel very tired and sleepy that I can’t even concentrate on the lecture so I’d rather not attend it at all. Then, there are days where I just want to stay in bed all day because I don’t want to interact with anyone. Sometimes, when I do manage to get out of bed, I just stay in my room. I’ve been sleeping a lot, and when I wake up from those sleeps I feel very tired. I have no motivation at all. No energy. I didn’t even actually study for my exam just two days ago. Now, I have an exam on Tuesday, I don’t feel like studying at all. Although, I have finished one PowerPoint presentation out of 4. I’m supposed to be at school to practice for a play presentation. But I don’t really want to talk or interact with anyone at the moment. I don’t even remember the last day I did not cry. I don’t even remember the last time I didn’t think about suicide. I even have trouble falling asleep because plenty of thoughts race to my mind just moments before temporary peace.
We are getting worse, self. I’ve been thinking about ways to die every single day. What do I have left for in this life? I have no energy or motivation to do anything at all. I have no plans. I’m tired. Too many shit is happening in the world and solutions appear simple if only people could have mutual respect for each other. But the world isn’t like that and I’m continuing to question why we are all here. Maybe, life isn’t meant for me to know what it is all about. Maybe, I’m just supposed to live it. But what am I supposed to be living for when I feel empty and tired? What am I supposed to be living for when I don’t find any reason to live? No one’s going to miss me, anyway. Maybe days after my death, a few people would be crying. But after a while, I’ll just be a forgotten memory, an invisible shadow no one ever remembers like how I am now. I highly doubt people will go about in a circle and tell stories about me. When I think about it again, All Time Low’s “Missing You” wouldn’t even make any sense to and for me because like I said, no one’s going to be saying they will miss me. And I don’t want to be.