I have been feeling down since last night. I carried it with me today when I went to school and took a laboratory exam. When I got home, my mother wasn’t here. I was crying and I had contemplated committing suicide. It was terrible. I had it all planned. I was going to tie an improvised noose around my neck. If my mother had arrived much later, I probably wouldn’t be sitting in front of my laptop now.
I laid in bed for a few minutes. I looked at the wall of my room adjacent to the door. In a fit of rage tore up the sticky notes and my class schedule taped to it. I took new sticky notes and wrote down bunch of stuff. This was my outlet. I felt like I needed to channel my anger to something else. So now, my wall looks like this.
“. or ;”? I asked myself when I was contemplating suicide, will I really end this here now, once and for all? Or do I continue living? Beneath it is one of my favorite songs, The Maine‘s (Un)Lost which is a source of strength for me when things get really bad. At the bottom are my favorite words taken from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.
For now, when I go through another episode of depression, I will just need to look at this wall and perhaps add something up to release the anger and sadness.