Dear Self


Good news! Nobody hates me! I’ve had a few misunderstandings with a few people but I don’t think I pissed off anyone so much so that they despise me for the rest of my life. Nope. No one hates me but you.

Nothing else amounts to this self-hatred. Day by day, I find myself wanting to be someone else – a person totally opposite of me. Nobody would ever want to be me. I don’t get enough sleep because I hate myself too much. I think about all this stuff that pains me.

No, self. The amount of people who loves me (if there are) do not suppress the hatred. Here’s another thing self: I’m beginning to doubt people. It’s been creeping my whole body. I can feel it tingling up in my arms to my neck. Soon, I think, it will wrap my head. I’ve been doubting people’s intentions. Are the people I consider friends really my friends? I’ve been having this nagging feeling of betrayal. Not a friend’s betrayal, but a betrayal to you, self. Betrayed that I let a few people probably a little too close to me when you told me it’s dangerous. Betrayed that I trusted and believed that these are the people who I’ll be friends for life but in truth, you are the only “friend” I’ll ever have. But there’s a nagging feeling that every single good thing I’ve done for people will never mean anything. They supposedly say encouraging things, but they don’t mean anything! Especially, the things my family tell me. None of them means anything!

Some days I find myself hating people. These are the times I feel quite good about myself. When I wake from a quick nap at my uni’s library, I get annoyed and agitated. I ask myself, “Why am I surrounded by peasants?” Some days when people annoy me for whatever reason, I imagine smashing their heads to a wall. I can even imagine the insanity of the deed. A small voice at the back of my head tells me I shouldn’t be mean. Then, I feel a little terrible about myself. I hate myself again.

I guess I feel that way because you and I both know we do not belong here. There’s probably a place for me somewhere else, probably in a parallel dimension. I don’t know where that place is. Actually, perhaps, there is no place for me in this world or in any other parallel dimension.

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2 thoughts on “Dear Self

  1. Other people’s love can’t cure your self-hatred because they don’t experience you like you.
    They don’t suffer your inner struggles. They only enjoy the interactions they have with you. It’s a different sort of love. Plenty of people told me they love me,but they didn’t struggle with MY sexual frustration, body image, and passive lifestyle.
    Don’t look for love from others to cure your self-hatred. If you hate yourself, write down the reasons why. Then think of how you can address them and solve them.

    Like

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