I now know why.
For some time, I couldn’t explain what I really feel. A few weeks ago, I unconsciously just blurted out that I feel alone and that this emotion seems to be the one of the roots of my depression. I’ve been trying to know why is that so. Why do I feel alone? In the eyes of my family who knows me so well (sarcastic tone here), they might say it is because of my own doing. I am an introvert, as I have repeatedly expressed. I would rather stay in my room than attend that college party. But I am not your stereotypical introvert who is aloof and all. In fact, my college classmates are very aware of my seemingly loud and fun personality that could be a little annoying for those friends who are unfortunately frequent victims of my friendly jokes and banter. To other people who are familiar with my family, they might wonder why I would feel alone. I mean, we seem so close to each other. My parents and sisters are firm believers that family always comes first, so why would they let their youngest sister feel incredulously alone?
I may have a close kept circle of friends, but I feel alone. I may have a family who tells me they have my back, but I feel alone. So why do I feel alone? I know. It’s because I’m longing for something. I long for something greater than living on a mansion with three cars and a pool. I long for something greater than a romantic relationship. I long for something that I do not know what. I do not know what exactly it is that I’m longing for but I’m eager to have it. I find myself desperately wanting to have this strange unknown every single day. It’s becoming unbearable each day that I find myself just wanting to die since everything does not seem to make sense at all. I don’t even make sense to myself either. But alas, I know I feel alone because no matter how much other people tell me that it will get better or that they will be here for me, they won’t ever understand. They won’t understand how I feel. They won’t understand that there’s a creepy shadow hugging me from behind. I can feel its arms holding mine tightly, its legs desperately clinging to mine. Its faceless face pressed to my ears, not saying a word but telling me I’m a lost cause. People won’t understand the frustration of this desperate longing. They won’t understand even if I tell them because they don’t feel what I feel. And because of that exulansis. It is pointless to share my troubles because they will never get it.
I am alone and lonely, and I don’t think anything will be able to take this away from me.