I’m on my last year of college, that is if I pass thesis and get all my INCs removed. Naturally, I hear my classmates talking about the future. Most of the conversations I hear is about the NMAT or the National Medical Admission Test. Most of my classmates are going to med school after finishing our degree program. That was also my plan years ago. I mean, I kept all my notes from my freshman year in college because I thought I was going to take that admission test. But that’s not the plan anymore. Last year, I thought that the alternative would be opting for graduate studies. It was an entertaining idea. But is that really what I want? I decided not to go to med school because I’m just tired of studying. It was the childhood dream to become a medical doctor but I find that dream fading as I grew up and the graduate studies option just seemed to be an option to make use of the four years I’ve been under the Biology program, just to make myself feel that all these years were not wasted for nothing. But I don’t think I really want to opt for that either. If I really wanted to I should have an idea what specific field of science I’d want to study and I should have looked up graduate schools already. But I haven’t done that either. My heart is just really not into it.
I was in Cebu for the weekend and so I saw my sisters of course. One of my sisters, Isa, said she’s going to open a bank account to save some money for me when I decide on what graduate school will I attend to. She told me I should make a decision already. The thing is, I don’t want to talk or even think about my future. I know my family expects me to either go to med school or graduate school or get a job after college if I don’t opt for the first two options. But I really don’t want anything or know what to do with my life. I have no direction, okay. I’m lost. To be perfectly honest, I just want to leave home, go somewhere and maybe discover what I really want. Although, lately I’ve been thinking about trying to finish the final editing of the novels I wrote years ago and maybe get published. Writing fiction is probably the only thing at the moment that gives me comfort and sense of accomplishment. I mean, I’m just remembering how good I felt when I had finished writing the Destiny Trilogy. I’ve just come to realized that it’s ironic how my original written fiction is called “Destiny” and here I am wondering what is mine.
I guess there’s a part of me that’s just scared of disappointing my family. Ever since I said I was going to be a doctor, it had become their dream to have one in the family. Damn it, 8-year old self! For now, I’m trying to get through my struggles with depression every single day and maybe finish my degree program this academic year. Then later, maybe I would be able to figure out what I’m going to do and what I’m going to be in the future. (That is if I don’t kill myself.)