All this guilt, insecurities, and fears come at night. Always. The guilt that I may have done some terrible things. The guilt that I have not done anything at all. The insecurity that I will never live up to the expectations of my family and my school. The insecurity that I am not good enough for anything. The fear that I am not good enough for anything. The fear that I’ll always be a mess.
These thoughts come into mind and creep into my chest. It feels like my whole world is crashing at a blink of an eye. It feels like there is no escaping this shit hole. I feel like dying instantly, that I’m better off dead. It is so messed up. In the morning, I feel like nothing happened. Although I don’t feel refreshed, I don’t feel any of that despair from the other night. Then, at night as I’m having trouble falling asleep, these thoughts and feelings return. This goes on and on and on and on. It’s a cycle I can’t fucking escape and I’m just tired of this. I just want it to end.
My birthday is close but I may not even live to see it.