They say the eyes are the mirror to your soul. I wonder, when people look into my eyes, what do they see? Do they see the sadness? Do they see emptiness? I hate looking in the mirror because I see the emptiness in my eyes. It makes me depressed so I avoid mirrors if I can.
I look at old photographs and see a younger, innocent, and happy version of me. When I look in the mirror, my facial features have not changed (besides the pimples). But I am different still. Not that old but not that young either. No longer that innocent nor that happy. I see a miserable person.
I wrote my birth name with a pen and paper, and for the first time I took note of my name. Writing it again, Adrienne G. Ocampo. It’s so weird. It felt weird writing my name. For the first time I realized I never really think of that name when I think of myself. Who am I? I cried in my head, in fear that I have no idea. The voice of my philosophy teacher rang in my head. Are you really your names? I don’t get called “Adrienne” a lot. Classmates, and sometimes even teachers, prefer to call me “Aids”. My family calls me many things: Bie, BB, Bunso, Bunsoy, Soy. But saying those names out loud felt like I was saying a stranger’s name. I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I thought I only lost my sense of direction in life, but I have just fully realized that I have also lost myself. Like when I look in the mirror. I hardly recognize that person in front of me.
I’ll be 20 years old in less than two days. I’m no longer sure if I should be happy that I have survived this long or miserable that my suffering is taking this long. I’ll be 20 years old in less than two days and all I could think of is that I don’t want to reach that date. I don’t want to look in the mirror ever again. Every night when I’m about to sleep, I wish I don’t wake up at all. But I keep waking up and existing. I know tonight I will once again wish I won’t wake up at all but I know that I would still wake up so I grudgingly do my responsibilities for the next day. But I still don’t want to look in the mirror ever again.