I had almost completely given up today. To my family, my friends, my life, to me.
I didn’t even know how it started but I just felt an immediate sense of despair. I was crying again, realizing I was tired already of this repetitive cycle. My mind had already made up its decision. I was going to jump, to end it all. I even wrote a suicide note despite promising myself I won’t. But a voice inside my head told me to give life at least one more shot. So I texted three friends who know about my depression. I decided that if one of them calls or texts me and listen, I won’t do it. Fifteen minutes later, one of those friends texted me and she called. After about five minutes into the phone call, I realized that I just needed someone to listen. Maybe not completely understand as they would probably never will but I wanted them to at least listen to me and let me cry without judgment. All three friends checked up on me. I’m grateful to these friends. I’ve always been afraid to open up to them because I was afraid they would judge me or that they won’t actually care. But I learned today that they do actually care, that I come across their minds, thinking of how they can help me. When I learned that, I was apologetic. I guess I doubted them and didn’t give them the chance to help me or to let them see this side of me. For the first time in the three years I’ve been suffering from depression, I actually have hopes of surviving this. Thanks to these friends, I got a little hope that my depression would be a little less painful. I almost did it. I almost didn’t make it to 20. I almost committed suicide. Almost.
If anything, learning that these friends will help me fight my way through depression is the best birthday gift I’ve ever had.