Every time I have an extreme episode of depression, my mother would notice my terrible mood. She would often ask me if I have any problems and then would remark, “You felt depression again?” It baffles me. She told me she read about depression but didn’t really understood it. I guess, I should explain it better. Depression never went away, not since it appeared in my life.
There are only two kinds of days in my life: the calm days and the stormy days. The stormy days are days when my brain feels like it’s in a storm. It is those days that there are too much thoughts in my head and too much emotions in my chest. It is on those days that the sense of hopelessness is too strong that I can’t imagine myself surviving the next couple of days, or even the next hour. It is those days that I aggressively think about suicide. It is those days that I attempt them. It is those days that I self-medicate by punching the wall or like recently, cutting my palm. However, it is not to say that on the calm days I do not think about suicide or death. I still think of it but not as aggressively as I would on the stormy days. On the calm days, I feel empty and shallow. There are not much thoughts nor emotions on those days. It is those days that I have elated feelings in between the emptiness and nothingness. It is those days that I’m just getting by with life. I do think about suicide and death but not to the point that I hurt myself. It would be a passing thought when I notice the emptiness or when I’m travelling to school and thinking about the scenarios that could lead to my death.
It is because there are two kinds of days that my mother thinks my depression just comes and goes. But no. Depression is always there. On the calm days, it’s just lurking around me, following me but not touching me. On the stormy days, it rides on my back, dragging me to the ground. She thinks on the calm days I am fine. But I am not any better. I just feel… less sad.
It’s a vicious cycle. The calm days often illude me that I am okay. It’s a cycle repeating and repeating, over and over again, seemingly without an ending. The stormy days occur more than the calm days. The stormy days would drain all the energy from me and I would use the calm days to compensate for the loss of sleep. It is getting exhausting, honestly. This is not the way I want to live for the rest of my life.
Today and yesterday are one of the calm days. Tomorrow, I wouldn’t know for sure. I hope it’s still a calm day because it is less painful.