I’m supposed to be catching up on the papers for thesis that I had not cared for because for the past three months (if no one has ever noticed) I was in a really terrible place and was incredibly suicidal. Now, none of my teachers know about my case so I guess they think I’m just slacking (which is out of character because most people know me as a person who rarely crams and submits all required works on time). Not even my family knows that I have considered dropping this subject but they’re expecting me to do it. But I’m taking this little time to let this off of my chest.
I’m feeling worthless. All this thesis stuff is making me feel worthless. Most of my classmates have already did their workload and submitted them to our professor. Most of them, in fact, are already beginning their thesis. Yet, here I am, barely even done with the required paper works. I have also not sorted things out with my supposed adviser because I never formally asked her to be my thesis adviser, because approaching these professionals stresses me out. Surely, approaching professors shouldn’t be that too hard. But it is for me. It is quite stressful to talk to people. My mind keeps creating all these unnecessary scenarios and I get all these unnecessary feelings such as anxiousness. I get the feeling that I shouldn’t even be doing this thesis stuff, that I will just mess up so badly, that I’m not good enough, that I am nothing compared to all the hard work everyone else has done. I can’t do thesis. It shouldn’t be this hard. It really, shouldn’t be. But I feel so bottled up, so trapped and caged. This stress is suffocating me.
I am not good enough. I am worthless.
I seriously thought that I was getting better with the talking and sharing I’ve done with a friend. But now, it just seems all clear to me that I am better off dead.