Sense Of Dread


It’s the final day of April which means only a few weeks before the school year ends, which also means I’m graduating (that is if I don’t fail any subjects).

Realizing that, I am met with the sense of dread and severe anxiety for the future. It has been clear that I don’t know what I’m doing after college. I’m not heading to any graduate school or to any medical school. While I took and passed the career/civil service exam which would allow me to work in government offices, I don’t really see myself working in that field. Sure maybe I could work for the Department of Science and Technology, Department of Agriculture, or Department of Environment and Natural Resources with my college background, but I can just imagine the anxiety I have to go through with every single day if I have to work for them. Honestly, the only thing I can imagine myself doing after college is just writing stories at home. I’ll probably become a freelancer. But then again there comes that fear about how I’m going to support myself. I’m probably still going to live with my parents. My sisters are probably going to tell me to get a fucking job like everyone else and to earn my own money. I have all these different scenarios in mind like how my family is going to think of me as a good-for-nothing, a waste-of-brain person relying on my parents to feed myself. With my already non-existent self-esteem, that’s probably going to kill me. Or I might end up taking care of future nephews and nieces.

It is at these times that I think that it’s probably safer to still be in school than not to be. Yet I don’t want to stay in school. All I’ve been thinking since the second semester began is that I need to get out of this place that makes me want to kill myself. Maybe after graduation, I’ll just continue writing stories then hopefully get published or something. I might also check the internet for some volunteer works like my Marine Animals’ professor mentioned in our class.

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