Gone are the days where I was enclosed in a system… or am I really?
You’d think graduating from college meant I’d be free from the system that drove me insane. But truthfully, I just became part of another system after graduation. The “system of adulting” has given me this tremendous anxiety, almost crippling yet I continue to function. The fact that I have no direction in life makes everything feel like rocket science. I’ve come to doubt myself if I could do anything right or do anything at all. I am at a point where I doubt my whole identity. Am I good at something? Do I even have skills? Are my capabilities enough to survive this oppressive system? I often think that I may not survive and imagine I end up killing myself when I’m all alone in my home, maybe in like 5-10 years, because I realized I’m really not up for anything good. Very depressing.
I am currently convincing myself that this anxiety is due to my demons and not really because it is who I am, whatever that means since there is really no self. Today, I woke up and realized that I’m going to live through the rest of my life with this anxiety, and I just have to fight through it since I can’t fight it away.